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Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
5:30 pm
I wish you well.

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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
1:41 am - when the night falls and i lie awake, you're my shooting star...
Christian~
I dont know how long it will take you to find this.
But, I want you to know that I do love you, with all my heart,
as much as you could ever love someone who is your best friend, your only friend.
I was lying awake, thinking of you, as I always do. Sometimes I begin to cry, when I remember all the hurt and pain I have caused you, but I can only cry harder when I realize how lucky I am to still have you by my side. I may never know why you chose to be with me, after all that I have done. But I pray every night, thanking Him for the decisions you have made. For the love that you have for me, and for the love I have for you, that we share with each other every day.

The moments I spend with you are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
They are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
They are the moments
I know heaven must exist
and the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more than that time together
I could not ask for more than that time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right there in those moments is right where I'm meant to be
there with you there with me...


Christian, you have proven to be my everything time and time again, and I will never be able to show you how thankful I truly am. For everything you do, everything you've done, and for all the moments we have yet to share- I will be forever greatful.

Christian Michael, i love YOU, my everything.
You're a keeper. I am so sorry.

"could you tell me, how could it be any better than this?"


Until the day God takes you away~ Shayna Elizabeth <>

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Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
2:14 am - brakdwn5...watch where you walk
look this is his profile on AOL

Member Name: Grammer
Location: SINY We stay fly we stay high
Sex: Male
Marital Status: I actually have fun IXOYE198
Hobbies: Snowboarding, skateboarding, finding girls who aren't crazy
Computers: Like anyone gives a sh*#
Occupation: Full-time slacker
Personal Quote: "Don't take life seriously, you never live through it."- Unknown


ixoye198....shayna?..hmmmm

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1:15 am - why i hate girls
Girls are bad....this one continually fucks me over and denies it over and over again. How many times have we gotten in fights over him, matt? Fucking Kid. And the eamils posted a minute ago go to show you that i am not paranoid for questioning her intents with him and the relationshuip they have. Fuck her, she cant have any guy friends while she has a boyfriend. Every guy shes known since ive met her has hooked up with her in someway if theyve hung out. Sure she fucked all my freidns or sucked their dick. did i break up with her? NO. i Loved shayna but this is the shit that ends relationships. Lies and cheating are a bad combo if you want trust and i can tterust you. you take advantage of me and fuck me over again and again. Are you happy now? why dont you go call matt and tell him what you heard. i hope all your friends read this to see who you really are. Fuck this shit, i need out, i shoudnt have gotten back involved if this is how it was gonna end up. Glad to know that you slways tell me not to worry and such but this makes me beyond worry, this makes me furious especially with your history. Whatever, i just dont care, im tired of girls treating me like shit and making me feel bad for thinking that theyt do. Shayna Elizabeth Harper, i hope that now you will find happiness b/c i obviously havent been able to provide it for you. Good bye.

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1:14 am - BUSTED!!!!!!!!!
Sent fri.:

From: Brakdwn5@aol.com | Block Address | Add to Address Book

Date: Fri, 11 Jan 2002 10:25:18 EST

Subject: I want to be there....

To: ixoye198@yahoo.com




shayna, every day I wake up and your the first thing I think about. I actually just woke up so I could come and read your mail. Now I don't really know what to say either. There is nothing i want more than to see you right now. But if you feel like you should be with him despite how I feel about you and how you say you feel about me, than there's nothing I can do. There's no way for me to prove that I'll be there for you and I'll come home to see you all the time. I think that missing this chance would be the stupidest mistake we've ever made. But even though I say all those things I know he's still the safe one. I want to be safe too but I'm not even getting the chance. I want to be with you so much, I don't think you really understand how much because if you did you would probably be with me right now. I love you.....Matt

Sent today: our 11 month anniversary
[[ Name ]] � Shayna Elisabeth Payton Harper
[[ Nicknames, including from family ]] � Waffles, Woody, Speedy, Hapah, JB, Sunshine
[[ Birthday ]] �Friday, April 6, 1984
[[ Age ]] - 17
[[ Astrological sign? ]] - Aries
[[ Chinese zodiac sign? ]] � The Rat
[[ Location ]] � Good ol� Wrentham... too far from Manville...
[[ Sexual Preference ]] � Depends on the day�
[[ Marital Status ]] � I� will call you tonight� that�s not what I wanted to say�
[[ Current Haircolor ]] � Blonde� oh yeah and polish too, great huh?
[[ Eyecolor... W/ & W/O contacts ]] - Blue
[[ Height ]] - 5'6
[[ Weight ]] - 126
[[ Parents still together? ]] - Yes
[[ Siblings? ]] - 1 brother.... another matt...
[[ Nieces/Nephews? ]] - None
[[ Kids of your own? ]] - None
[[ Grandkids? ]] � yeah None on that one too
[[ Pets? ]] � Kitty kat named Pussy
[[ In school/graduated? ]] � Senior� 2002 baby! (yeah thats high school)
[[ Rent, lease, or own your home? ]] - Currently living with Rick and Sue

[[ What do you do for work? ]] � The Gold Fork�working with the best people ever!
[[ How much do you make? ]] - $10/hr
[[ Have any credit cards? ]] � Yeah right�
[[ AmEx? ]] - No
[[ Can I use em for a few days? ]] - Riight
[[ What do you drive? ]] �Oh gosh� lets not got there� we all know I crashed my 98� Nissan Pathfinder�

Preferences
[[ Black and White/Color ]] � White
[[ Black/White ]] � The gray area
[[ Red/Blue ]] - Blue
[[ Dogs/Cats ]] - Dogs
[[ Roses/Daisies ]] - Roses
[[ Beer/Liquor ]] - Never
[[ Boxers/Briefs *wink* ]] - Depends
[[ Hair: Short/Long ]] - depends..on what gender we are speaking of
[[ Boots/Shoes ]] - Stilettoes
[[ Food: Mexican/Italian ]] - Italian
[[ Dark/Light ]] - Light
[[ Day/Night ]] - Night...full moon
[[ City/Country ]] � Tulsa, USA
[[ Sheets: Solid/Animal Prints *rawr* ]] - Solid
[[ Sub/Dom ]] - DOM

Favorites
[[ Color ]] - Silver
[[ Animal ]] � Black lab names Lycos
[[ Vehicle ]] � Porche 911 Turbo
[ Flower ]] � Red roses� call me clich��
[[ Beer ]] - Never
[[ Liquor ]] - Never
[[ Soda ]] � Juice?
[[ Food ]] � Grilled cheese
[[ Book ]] � the Bible
[[ Author ]] � JRR Tolkien

[[ Band, Singer ]] � Saves the Day
[[ CD ]] � Good Charlotte
[[ Song ]] - Everything
[[ Movie ]] - Moulin Rouge
[[ Director ]] - ::shrugs::
[[ Country ]] - France
[[ State ]] - Colorado
[[ City ]] New York�. SINY!
[[ School Subject ]] - Science
[[ Movie genre ]] � The good stuff
[[ Extracurricular Activity ]] � Snowboarding, Lacrosse


Do you...
[[ Color your hair? ]] - No
[[ Have tattoos? ]] - Not yet <>< awaiting 2
[[ Piercings? ]] - yes
[[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? ]] � I wish I had an answer to that�
[[ Floss daily? ]] - Pretty much
[[ Own a webcam? ]] � Digital camera good enough?
[[ Ever get off the damn computer? ]] - I suppose
[[ Sprechen Sie Deutcsh? ]] - Ja
[[ Hablar Espanol? ]] - Si
[[ Quack? Quack quack? ]] � Sorry, no

Have you...
[[ Gotten a speeding ticket? ]] � Yes, lets not broach that topic either�
[[ How fast? ]] � 94
[[ DUI? ]] � Neve ever ever�
[[ Been in a wreck? ]] � I cant deal with this!!!!!!
[[ Been arrested? ]] - No
[[ Stolen a car? ]] - Nope
[[ Stolen anything? ]] � hmm gum when I was like 5
[[ Smoke? ]] � What?
[[ Pot? ]] � Yeah that�s what I thought�
[[ Crack? ]] � No, don�t think so
[[ Drink? ]] - Nope
[[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ]] � Do you not understand that I don�t drink?!?!?
[[ Been so drunk you didn't care that you couldn't remember your name? ]] � Uh, no
[[ Posed for nude pics? ]] - No
[[ Considered a life of crime? ]] - Considered�yes
[[ Considered being a hooker? ]] � No, though its been suggested�
[[ Maybe a pimp? ]] - No
[[ Cheated on someone? ]] � Gee..um?

[[ Been married? ]] - No
[[ Been divorced? ]] - nope

Are you psycho?
[[ Split personalities? ]] � I think I am up to 4
[[ Schizophrenic? ]] � No, we�re ok�
[[ Obsessive? ]] � Just a little
[[ Compulsive? ]] � About certain things�
[[ Obsessive Compulsive? ]] � Yes

[[ Panic? ]] - yes
[[ Anxiety? ]] - Yes
[[ Depressed? ]] - sometimes
[[ Suicidal? ]] - No
[[ Homicidal? ]] - No
[[ Genocidal? ]] - No
[[ Pedophile?]] No!
[[ Obsessed with hate? ]] � There is no hate
[[ Mutilate animals? ]] - No way
[[ Idolize infamous criminals? ]] � yeah all the time� what?
[[ Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? ]] - I don't remember
[[ Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? ]] - No

The good stuff...
[[ Had sex outdoors? ]] � On the beach!!

Right now...
[[ What are you listening to? ]] � Goldfinger
[[ What are you watching? ]] � The words�
[[ What time is it? ]] - 8:46
[[ What are you wearing? ]] � Khakis and a sweater�Church today
[[ Wanna cyber? *wink* ]] - silly survey
[[ Hey baby, nice shoes... ]] � Thank you� I really like my froggy slippers too!
[[ What're you drinking? ]] � milk!
[[ Eating? ]] � cookies!
[[ Got both hands on the keyboard? ]] - considering that Im erasing the previous answers, no
[[ You sure bout that? ]] - Yes, I certainly am
[[ Who are you talkin to? ]] � The voices in my head
[[ What other windows do you have open? ]] - My journal
[[ How bored are you? haha ]] -...ha...ha...what the hell is so funny?

If you could...
[[ Be anywhere, where would you be? ]] � With Matt
[[ Who would you be with? ]] - Matt
[[ What would you be doin? ]] �I don�t think I can right that down�

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Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
8:38 pm - Lets play a game: Catch Up
~Sept. 11th...we all know where we were and what happened, at least its good to nkow that people from afghanistan need to come here to learn how to fly a plane..too bad they fly it into our buildings, our workplace, our pride. They are absolutely stupid and whatever took so long for people to come together and say, " Hey, maybe we should just get rid of this whole terrorist thing and make the world a safer place"
~So im watching the movie Hannibal, guess who is on the americas ten most wanted list when francesco checks on lechter? yup, Osama Bin Laden....spooky.
~ So im still dating the old ball nad chain, i just cant shake her loose. i think were stuck together, whenever i go home were inseperable. damn shes hot, i love you shayna, and god i love you more ( good work with this one lord! ;) )
~ Shaynas grammy died, i got to meet her whole family, damn i never knew there were so many, this one lady had nine kids, the oldest son looks like the yopungest sons granpa! And they had some funny stories. Shaynas cousins are cute, alicia is cute, but like her aunts said im lucky to be dating shayna becasue shes the cutest girl in the family!...princess..ha!
~ So i got into another car accident, i totaled a car last jan, my fault on a sucky night with bad roads. Nonetheless, my fault. However this time i was rearended, thank god again i was alone. Id have died had i hurt shayna. But wait..she was in an accident too! alone too! Shayna, no more hitting me, because my little saturn fucked up that thing you call an SUV!
~ i am poor
~ Im at college in boston. Boston is cool..school is not. there are some ok kids here, my rommate and i get along well, hes aight. He got really really messed up a few weeks ago, man, i think he and the toilet are best friends now. i met his girlfriend, shes cute, but i mean then i see my girl. i odnt think i can smile any bigger!
~ though my school ditched its sports programs ive been practicing with other college teams round here, i wentto wentworth a few times, but mostly at Emmanuel..its kind of degrading playing with the girls but they are cool, and they make me laugh, thtas goos to have cause there arent too many laughs at school.
~ I am getting good grades so far, well calc is hard, and Bio i have like a 78 in but hey im still doing well. i work at the gym too there are some cool people there, i like watching the hip-hop class ( 20 girls in spandex tight tanks and short shorts or warmups..mmm ;))
~ Got onto a soccer team thank goodness! All these older european guys with mad accents, lovely! i had a goal and a nasty assist in my mens amateur debut.
~Dustin rocks, we saw a movie and had dinner with shayna and KAYLA! not karla but kayla ;) ( just kiddin hun )...sorry shawn missed out on sat. night. dont say a word is ok, for a movie with a psycho main character.
~ Heather i hope everything works out. why dont you have a journal, its fun and stress relieveing. Shes a cutie and im glad shes shaynas friend., hopefully this bond works out better than those otehr backstabbers. sorry guys, i like yas and all but you just gave your"friend" the boot once you didnt need ehr to drive you and the guys. not cool. in case you didnt hear her grammy died.
~ Kalena and gwen im glad you finally found people you are comfortable with and like a lot. Gwen take care of his V card. Kalena, you look good, bout time yo got a good guy, i never wanted to hook you up with jon, hes my boy, but i know how he is. i hope you guys remain faithful and keep eachother away from temptation like good friends would do, rather than push eachother towards temptaion as shitty so called friends would do.
~ Mom, dad..I love you guys.
~ To those from my home town, keep livin it up wherever youmay be, have fun, and remeber theres a time and palce for everythig...its COLLEGE!
~to the shanndogg and her twins form above the border, GO SHU!
~ Shayna, i love you and am glad we are sticking it out, ill talk to you soon. if youre reading this can i ask you something:WHY ARENT YOU CATCHING UP WITH SCHOOL WORK!!!!!!!!!?

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Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
1:23 pm - Girls are the devil
Ok...so here it comes, its my first entry in a while and i have class in about half an hour. il give a sumary some other time, this journal entry is totally dedicated to girls, bitches, chicks, biddies, hunnies, cats,or whatever else you may call them. So ive got this girl, who is probably the only person that reads this crap anyhow, and things are weird. ive never been in a more turbulent relationship in my 19 years of life.
She makes me question the simple word that plagues many an unfortunate relationship: cheating. What is cheating? do you have to hook up with someone to be cheating on your partner? i used to think so but idk...opinions change with time. Here is my story:
So my girlfriend and i have been going out a while. we introduce some of her friends to a couple guys i play soccer with. People hook up, dont hook up, and spend a lot of time together. My girl often went along with the girls ( and the guys as i often found out in school the following monday ). She met this kid, who i knew and used to be quite chummy with if you will. Wewre just friends, i dont like him like that is the continuous rambling of words she would utter towards me when i inquired to their " friendship ". To make a long story short my suspicions were correct and was not " my personal insecurity with our relationship" as i was once told by an anonymous lover. So many of my friendships were twisted by our relationship thanks to this reoccurring problem with my girl, her guy, and their friends. this wa clearly cheating as i was left in the dark by many people i considered at one time to be friends, friendly with. So we break up, my girl and i, and she ends up dating her toher man, while confessing her love for me every time we spoke, for two weeks i was the other man, and hated it. being the sap that i am i work as hard as possible to get her back, and we end up being together once again, she realized her mistake she says.
Now were together, a couple. And the other man you ask? where does he stand. well, this is where it gets hard to determine what is and is not cheating. To my dismay, she says they still are good friends, friends lie last time i say but only get the evil eye at that comment. I mean how can i not be a lil shady bout my girl goiong to the movies and hanging out with a friend of ehrs that ruined our relationship and cheated on me with her behind my back, theycheated, did everything they cold possibly do while her and i were dating, then go out, and now she still wonders why i get upset when they go to 5 movies at the theatres within a week, why i could mpossibly be upset by her driving to his college to go visit him after hes been gone like 2 days, she speaks of him often, in just aobut every journal, in our conversations, and keeps his picture uo in her room. But i mean they are just friend why cant i trust her? well i did once before and that only casue tears and heartache, they were just friends beore....but why would it be so different this time, they are probably closer now than ever before..but i mean i shouldnt be upset about her driving an hour to visit him at school after only two days away, or abnout her going to the movies with him just about every other night while i was in school for the first two weeks, or abouthim treating her to dinner. Dont assume shell say, well every time shes said those words to me my assumptons were more correct than false. i love you and want to be with you she says, than why does she make it so hard to get close to her? why does she want continued involvement wuth him during our relationship, it may be good to have a friend or whatever, but its not good for us. In a relationship we always comes before I and sometimes i think she misses that. Why do i feel like ive been cheated on again and again even though she ensures me they havent hooked up. does it take a kiss to cheat? if youre in a relationship and desire someone elses compnay so much than why not keep them in your company and get rid of unwanted things that you just drag around behind you like unwanted baggage? These were just som thoughts i was pondering to day before my class. Love is the greatest joy, but not if youre love isnt recognized or returned with equal vigor, or if the love she has to return has to be shared with another man, a "friend", love is complete honesty, comfort and trust, so why could she not tell me of her big day? why must i read of it or hear of it through the grapevine? last time i spoke with the grapevine i heard of her cheating. This isnt cool, if love is for her hat it is for me she wouldnt have not told me of her daily events, and she wouldnt wonder why i dont like her and him hanging out, trust is earned not given, i ask what shes done to earn the trust i gave her and the trust i give her now, which isnt nearly 100% trust. Some things are not good for us,As a couple i refer to us as US
it seems she wants to spell us UhimS. sometimes i just wodner and wory, hurt isnt good and this heart has many scars from battle, spare me any more bruises.

current mood: disappointed

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Monday, September 3rd, 2001
1:46 pm - IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Seems the road less traveled
Show's happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
Sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about or love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

current mood: chipper

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Friday, August 3rd, 2001
2:11 pm - "It tastes like burning!"
Well today is by far sucky, im referring to the air outside today in my subject. yesterday was hot today is just ridiculous, i guess it is ok cause i will just darken my shayna white skin ( hahaha ). So yeah, i had a good trip home, ice cream was good and it was fun hanging with you and gweni, does that guy really talk like that? Reminds me of kermit. Oh well whatever, soi guess things are ok. Last night was pres night, it was cool well it was happening but then my team got screwed over, we took home ZERO! points out of 60. i mean cmon we definitely kicked some ass, but its ok we couldnt win anyway, we just did it all for colonial pride. GO G- Dub! I am never driving home (Maine) again after a 2 hour nap, next time i may have to leave before the beach, spare me the excitement of taht " drink" until another time when i come home. mayeb next time ill be able to stand up on those skis, you make it look so easy..yeah i hate you. Did you lie to me again? You told me you went out to the movies with chris..yeah chris kade....yet he wrote a comment on how we was wonderng when you two were gonna see that movie or just chill. So i am left here wondering. Andy. if you ever do ead my journal, you have to chill trying to get hooked up with my girl. understand that she is mine and i am hers, she is afriad of any realtionship with you becasue you always want more than friends, you are lucky you couldnt lean over the other night. If you were even half my boy youd not try anything stupid. Gwen and kalena, you guys rock i heard bout some things youve done and said recently, care for her as you would yourselves ( only more cautious with her :) )and keep her safe for me, for herself, and for you guys. WEll im gonna go now, you all take care, happy late bday mom.! mWAh Love you all.
Shayna Elizabeth Harper, i love YOU, remember that what you do afects more than you, if it hurets you it will most certainly hurt those around you. hugs n kisses
love~Christian

current mood: restless

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Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
1:44 pm - Flying time
Well sorry it has been quite a while since ive gotten to write, many of you who read this know what i have been upto and what has been going on. Since there is so much that has been missed i will just list my thoughts and current events so you can see:
~ WEll i got Shayna back, her and I are we again, i love you still only more now
~ For a period of a few days i was the other guy and made myself ask me " Am i any better than those guys who go after my girl?, she wasnt mine so i took her from someone else.
~ To lost friendships/friends and to those relationships that never developed. My only regret with zach is that i wasnt able to become better friends with him before i left we were getting close near the end of school and were sure to have many good times together this summer had i stayed. thanks for signing my book first, sorry i wasnt here for you maybe thingsd wouldve ben different, maybe we woulda been at barrys or a party or sumthing. Sorry bro, be strong in your wait soon we will all be back with you.
~ I came home from camp for a few days to bury a friend and comfort my girl. July 27th, not only did i turn nineteen but i also saw my first friend lowered to his eternal rest.
~ I stayed in a hotel without my parents, just shayna and i, for the first time. it was cool. we spent like every night together, what is more comfprting than watching your baby sleep by your side and wake to her smiling face or soft kiss?
~ Why cant people take a hint, if she doesnt answer your calls, if she doesnt call you, if she repeatedly wont hang out with you she probably doesnt want to be with you, and then she has a BF so respect her and me, if you cared for her you wouldnt put her through that same shit again. this goes for anyone after someone else girl or man.
~ Chris, bro, sorry things have worked out the way they have for us both. you killed me and then i took from you what you waited so long for. sorry for that, but if you love something embrace it has if yu may never see it again, and i couldnt let go of this one.
~ Ryan, ok im not sure exactly what you guys talk about when im not here but what i get told is that she doesnt want anything to do with you becasue your interests are in being more than friends, that one night wont be more than that one night. i hope that when you get a girl you love that you dont have to deal with the bull shit ive put up with, guys just dont learn and your friends cant always be trusted. She is mine and im not letting go, if you want to keep on tryng to make her feel bad for what has happened than do it, if it makes you feel better than do it, maybe now you can both learn why things should be taken slowly and not too fast.
~ Shayna, i love you more than anything, i would do anything yu bid of me and anythung i could to keep you smiling and happy. However, i hope now you realize that when you invite others into your bed you invite them into your life. People deal with things differently as you have seen ever so clearly in recent times, if you dont want people to interpret what you say the wrong way than make it perfectly clear that they understand what you are saying, dont tell different people different stories. Its comments like those i read earlier that sometimes make me wonder...sometimes i still wonder. If you love me as you say you will let others know ytou love me without shame, you wont make comments to anyone that may seem trivial or misleading and NEVER better be the only word i ever see in that column. you know. I love you.
~ Kalena and Gwen, you are her best friends. Be good friends to her and help her save herself heart ache. Keep her out of rouble, away form challenges. If she constantly needs to be reminded of me maybe it means that she shouldnt be with me, if it comes to that you guys should let her know how you see the things she does. Keep her out of trouble, and behave yourselves, times have been tough for us all, i am happier now and i hope that your rainy day soon ends, sunshine may go away each day but it always rises aain, remember that. look forward to new horizons
~ Camp rocks but im ready for home now. im ready for you shayna, i am just ready to come back.
~ collegewill be a blast but also kinda scary, idk well see how that works out, shayna stay by my side as we make this transition. MWAh. I may get many prizes from you and for us but you are the only prize i could everhope to receive and keep.
` See you all soon, next time my entry will be more structured with less material to ocver, have a good one.

current mood: hopeful

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
6:51 pm - " it was the best of times, it was the worst of times "
Yin- yang...often people dont quite understand the emaning behind such a simple yet complex symbol..black in white, white in black, right? no...there is a little good in all bad and a little bad in all that is good...this simp[le figure has remained a fixture in almost every culture forever it seems and now i can relate more than ever...Shayna came to see me at camp, it was a great night, we watched as the stars shot across the sky over our heads, we found our stars, my twinkle and her empty basin, if He can shoot stars perhaps one day we will find me inside you, filling that emptiness... with her i only experience the best of times, yet though we enjoyed eachotehrs company and unconditional love and affection the darkness crept into out white innocence...the next bit of news i heard was of a friend, not my best, but a friend i care about none the less. he went out, had a good time with another friend and drove home a little too fast, but not fast enough, as they reached the 100 mph mark something went devastatingly wrong. now the next time i see my friend will be as he is lowered to his eternal resting place and placed even more into gods care, as for my other friend i wonder whose injuries were worse?..sure death is tragic, but i feel that if one wishes they were dead yet still living he may be in for the greatest of pain. i hope he stays well and clear of mind, accidents happen all the time, some more severe than others. we learn form our mistakes and everyone says " it cant happen, it wont happen, not to me" well now it has happened to myself and the rest of the community ive bonded so well with over the past four years. Zach cant learn from his mistake, but hopefully others will learn the lesson Zach has spread into our community. i have to go now but those are my thoughts on the recent events , shayna my pact holds storng for us both, and for everyone else spc i may spare them the grief that is no being expewrienced b those we know oh so well. i love you, be well, love me, i love you more for sure

current mood: gloomy

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Thursday, July 19th, 2001
2:05 am - Day Of CHAMPIONS!
yes oit was and yes i went to all ages at champions tonight..it was cool, i miss seeing those girls in next to nothing, shaking their thang and what not...i danced a bit but nothing too risque dont worry, and there were no hook ups for me cause i alredy considered myself hooked up by the lord. he hooked me up with an angel to help me and teach me lifes valuable lessons and to lead me down the long windy and bumpy road of love. not the other guy anymore!>? i never really considered myself he other guy, i always consider him the toehr guy regardless of the relationshi you share, he may have your hand but ive got your heart you may speak with him but together we understand the words that go unspoken. i love YOU. i get new kids in tomorrow, and tomorrow night i go to see my baby, jeff hecht may come too, hes alright, he needs a little more confidance in the game. i hope kalena and he are cool, that will make the four hour ride back so much more enjoyable. Maybe you could drive some? yeah thats right you, driving my car, and hopefully safer than you drive yours! :)
well i odnt know what else to say i miss some guys but am glad some are gone. i got kendall a kiss from cuneo...yum yum, go kendall! welltomorrows a new day and new beginning, beginning of day and beginning of camp: session deux. im sorry bout today..why would you spray on jons cologne? and that comment does sound like a bad thing, im glad it wasnt, my pact held firm tonight, even with temptation, i hope yours is as firm as mine.....pacts im talking about:) well i love YOU more and im going to sleep now, i hope youre already there, we will soon be dreaming together, i can already see you and smell you, i cant wait to hold you love, in my arms, in my heart, tomorrow we sleep side by side, well wipe the tears we will have cried, tears of love, not of hurt, tears of faith and hope, not of regret, remember our love that is true, and our pacts too, not of broken promises and past misdeeds, consider ourselves fortunate for the time we have spent, are spending and will spend as one, a couple in title and truth, truth spoken form our heart.

current mood: danced out

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Monday, July 16th, 2001
1:11 am - not all news is good news
well its late..or early depending on your point of view... i called her but it was already 12, she is most likely sleeping. I have a hard time believeing the things heard today but theres not much i can say.. i love her and she loves me, it hurts to know that she thinks she needs comfort form him, she is so strong and doesnt need anyone, she can do without him as her beau. i love you still, things wont change, they will only be harder when i come home and you have to decide what to do, me or him still, or none as we part for school. i hope its not none, i wish it were me, but i just dont know where ittll be in a few months. i know i am right for her, and so is she for me, i cant let go, regardless of who her boyfriend is. i wont be the other man, i refuse to be him, so i tell her simply its me you should be with. i love you. i odnt even think you read this thing anymore, you never comment, i was surprised not to read a long entry today, well tonight, im sure ill hear it tomorrow. i lvoe you, and well talk soon.

current mood: lonely

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Sunday, July 15th, 2001
1:31 pm - Crushed
well dont worry bout yesterday, it was viditing day and very uneventful for me. i was so sick and i didnt even get to tlak to " my baby" before bed. it wouldve been 5 months if i hadnt taken this wretched job. Reading her journal i guess that i missed a lot in a day or two and that the 14th only has significance to one of us. i cant understand how you can be totally in love with someone and have a boyfriend, one who is not he that you love. I cant believe she would lie to me. "were just friends, ive told him that, i dont wanna be with him like that, i hate commitment". funny how you remeber certain words when certain things jog your memory. then i dont undersatnd how if you dont want to be kissed by someone that they would be able to kiss you, then you comment on how cute they look. i just dont unedersatnd, why do i love? Love is suposed to be the greatest feeling, yet now i am so deep that i musta hit the bottom, cause it hurts. i read these thnigs but she cant admit it to my face or even tell me, i wonder when it will come up. do i want to travel to see my love, my hearts only desire if she just feeds me lines? does she even have any real feeling for me? why does she never tell me that she loves me unless i tell her first? girls make no sense, they never know what they want but guys are supposed to know. she said she wanted a love that was real, its here. she told me everything she wanted in a realtionship, i provided it. she wants to be happy, i know i make her happy.she wants to feel a love not just hear it, i think as you cried at my house that night that you could feel the power of our love, well, my love for you. were you crying becasue you loved me? or becasue you were cheating on your man? or becasue you were just so confused and lost? are you afraif of me? of what i represent? I AM AFRAID, very afraid because i let myself into a love that has betrayed me. i thought i could trust her with my words and heart but if you can trust someone so why do i question if my placement was correct, i like to thonk that i am right to love her, but am i right to love someone that casues me the grief and heart ache she does? i try to bring her the simplest and greatest joys, she takes them from me, and then whoever else will offer her the same. i cant offer you the world only make you my world. ive tried to do so and am trying i love you still but just dont know what t make of this whole situation. Someitmes i just dont know, sometimes i let my tears do my thinking for me, and now is one of those times.

current mood: lost, cheated,

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1:31 pm - Crushed
well dont worry bout yesterday, it was viditing day and very uneventful for me. i was so sick and i didnt even get to tlak to " my baby" before bed.
Reding her journal i guess that i missed a lot in a day or two. i cant understand how you can be totally in love with someone and have a boyfriend, one who is not he that you love. I cant believe she would lie to me. "were just friends, ive told him that, i dont wanna be with him like that, i hate commitment". funny how you remeber certain words when certain things jog your memory. then i dont undersatnd how if you dont want to be kissed by someone that they would be able to kiss you, then you comment on how cute they look. i just dont unedersatnd, why do i love? Love is suposed to be the greatest feeling, yet now i am so deep that i musta hit the bottom, cause it hurts. i read these thnigs but she cant admit it to my face or even tell me, i wonder when it will come up. do i want to travel to see my love, my hearts only desire if she just feeds me lines? does she even have any real feeling for me? why does she never tell me that she loves me unless i tell her first? girls make no sense, they never know what they want but guys are supposed to know. she said she wanted a love that was real, its here. she told me everything she wanted in a realtionship, i provided it. she wants to be happy, i know i make her happy.she wants to feel a love not just hear it, i think as you cried at my house that night that you could feel the power of our love, well, my love for you. were you crying becasue you loved me? or becasue you were cheating on your man? or becasue you were just so confused and lost? are you afraif of me? of what i represent? I AM AFRAID, very afraid because i let myself into a love that has betrayed me. i thought i could trust her with my words and heart but if you can trust someone so why do i question if my placement was correct, i like to thonk that i am right to love her, but am i right to love someone that casues me the grief and heart ache she does? i try to bring her the simplest and greatest joys, she takes them from me, and then whoever else will offer her the same. i cant offer you the world only make you my world. ive tried to do so and am trying i love you still but just dont know what t make of this whole situation. Someitmes i just dont know, sometimes i let my tears do my thinking for me, and now is one of those times.

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Friday, July 13th, 2001
11:47 pm - Wheres my girl at?
so its quarter of 12am, i am looking for her. i had on her on the [hone, we got broken up. then i tried repeatedly to call her back and she still doesnt pick up. does she not want to speak with me? i think that may be it becasue it seems she didnt make it with her friends tonight but rather went to his house, or to his party. i will talk to her later and she what she tells me, i know her mom thinks shes with kalena, i know different. i hate to wuestion her but th way htings have gone lately, idk what to think often times. it was really pleasing seing her in his marital status space, and even better to know that she mentions how great his profile is in her personal Bio. what the fuck is going on? i just dont know. why cant she tell me the truth about her and him? i am kept in the dark, what does he know about her and my relationship at the moment? i want to believe that she is behaving, and keeping the pact and that the words she tells me are truthful, but if all her words are not truthful how am i to pick which are and which are not? I odnt know who i can trust anymore anyhow, my best frie d is after her, some friend, everyone else wants in on the action too it seems, i love her and he may like her, but i wish i could hear what she tells him and he could hear what she tells me. i fear the worst and hope for the best. right now the night sux, this sucks, i am lost for words to describe how i feel. i refuse to be the otehr amn, i believe they are more than friends, even thnough she only assures me they are just friends.

current mood: pessimistic

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1:20 pm - Part 2
The day was the greatest with her. i left a lot later than i expected, i wasnt able to say good bye, or see you later as she corrected me. We got into boston late, i didnt care, i would spend time with her anywhere she wished. It was a long trip and i was beat, she was hurting so i bought her sandals. Thoguh we missed the train and almost missed it a second time it was fun and i couldnt care less as long as she was still by my side. She slept on me on the train, complete trust and comfort, an often unappreciated sign of ones relationship and its stength. im glad we talked bout things, you and him, you and I, us and the future. i will see you soon, i love you more than you could tell. Tears followed me on my trip back here, but knowing you were home safe and well made the tears cease their drip.

current mood: loved

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Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
2:04 pm - A weeks wait well worth it
last night i made it home in one piece very early. I called her up, in the hot tub with her friedns after a long day at the park, shayna answered and assured me she was gonna be over in a bit. An hour later she came in, i didnt even care about the wait, it needed no explanationm, i ran out and threw my arms around her and held her tight, not letting go until i was ready to go in. I was able to see her her lips part and speak the words i have heard so frequently over the phone, she cried as we kept her pact going strong. Prize for you for what was made last night. Ive never said those words to anyone before, but i wanted to share it with you, im glad i did. i watched while she lay there faaling asleep beneath my massaging, rubbing hands. i couldnt even dream of he feeling so soft under my hands, i love her, as we held echother tighti made her feel the warmth she makes me feel inside everytime she speaks a word towards me. Now were off to boston, this is going to be a muli part journal, ill keep you posted.

current mood: indescribable

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2:03 pm - Yesterdays entry
yeah the computer went whacky so i couldnt post this yesterday early afternoon. so here it is now:
IM GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally the week is done, ive got the day off and
im leaving tonight to go see my girl, my life, my soul. Shes all i could ask
for and the wait is finally up, im so happy. i cant wait to see mom and dad
too, i need some laundry done :)......im just playing ill do my own laundry.
il be off round 8-9pm, and then im going home. what more can i say. my
prayers are finally being answered, ive been given a girl who is an angel in
my eyes and with a single look can take away any problems ive ever had on my
mind, but ive also given her the power to be every problem for me. its like
the yin-yang i guess, every great thing comes with a little bit of dark in
them. its ok though i know her and i sitll lvoe her. i will see everyone when
i get home, at least talk to ya.

current mood: excited

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
2:11 am - finally a night out
yeah so i went out tonight and it was fun, me and the guy went to applebees forever it seemed, there were tons of laughs, i couldnt get a hold of my parents, i hope my granpa is doing ok after surgery. we met up with other people at the bar. i figred if shayna can do what shes doing for me and for us, or just herself, then i could stop drinking and smoking for her, us and myself, i know its bad and needed to stop, she is my inspiration and everything else one needs. i cant wait to go home tomorrow noight, and rest my eyes upon her angelic face, and listen to those words ive yearned so long to see spoken, more than just heard. i cant wait to fall into those arms, into those eyes, into her smell. i can only hope that i never stop falling, falling into her, deeper into love. shayna, i love you more than words can say, so my actions you shall soon see will speak my mind better than any words ive ever been able to utter to you. its funny how the strongest embracew has more saying than a sweet loving whisper. im sorry we didnt get to speak tonight but im very glad that i ws able to get you online. see you tomororw night, see all my buds, i hope.

current mood: anxious

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